Fidgety Knitting

Mama Mao

You know I am of the firm belief that The Chairmama Mao deserves her own post. One all to herself. She is my mother, and don't get me wrong- I LOVE HER. And that love is a special bond (she is mine to kill :) So before anyone bashes me- I know damn well that she had the best of intentions... I am laughing. But it just seems fair to say that some Pavlov training is in order.

Since Christmas, when in my desperation I realised that the lady who owns everything would have to be given a gift in person, and told her I would knit things... Mama Mao has gone a bit out of control. I am right now doing damage control and a constructing a list for the reconstructive training. Because I am quite sure there is a monster of sorts on my hands.

So in short I have a monster on my hands. One who has technology at her disposal.

Yes so when I mentioned technology- that is because it is a direct result of ebay that I have this post fodder. Really if I could put parental controls on her there or at least some kind of approval system all would be good. But instead she is left to her own devices. And that is where the frightening part starts.

The rest of this post will necessitate you bringing out the pissing tarp becasue I will not be held responsible for anything that happens to your sofa, chair, floor, etc due to fear or hysterics that may follow. Go on find one... I'll wait. Ok you back? Good.

I would like to introduce you to the "vintage" patterns Mama Mao had sent to me. These came from some Ebay lady in the UK, who I am quite sure does not have all her marbles about her. In all kindness she would have to walk around with an empty Happy Meal box to sell these jewels. My mother on the other hand needs to start searching Ebay to find herself a Happy Meal box because she... she fucking paid for this shit.

Let's do a photo essay for fun! Sound good- read on!

So first of all- let us talk about knitting in style! This might possibly be the best book on knitting ever! I can't thank Mama Mao enough for getting it for me. My life is now complete. Because really this is the kind of style I am TRYING SOOOOO HARD TO EXUDE when I knit things for myself or anyone else, make that especially Mama Mao:)

It really really really is helpful. I can not emphasise the usefulness of this book enough. It is above and beyond measure to my new knitting bible. Because I think the thing lacking in my knitting is lessons in the use of COLOR.

And more importantly how to effectively use it, TO BLIND SOMEONE... who needs death by knitting needles when you can die via colors?? This is essential for my criminal intentions. Just what I'll need one day to throw the cops off my trail, as needles would be too obvious.

I am also aware thanks to her continuing ever so subtle hints (like I am getting older now and need to think about these things so I won't die old and alone... to which I childishly retort she is SIXTY) that she wants me to be married one day. And that day would preferably be SOON and then followed by me pumping out grand children for her. But I am sure she wants this so that I and that "lucky" other half can wear matching handmade knits whilst looking depressed in that loving love bird married style. Where is that photo of her and Dad looking like this??? This photo is what REAL love is about. Or so I am guessing... I don't think I have known that kind of love. And in a move that may depress Mama Mao- I am not sure I ever want to know THAT kind of love.

Sorry for a momentary break here. We will talk again after I come back from my teenage year flashbacks with bobby sox, keds and those off the shoulder sweaters.... you know the flashbacks that make me wonder whether acid was included in that package. Nice touch if so... if not Mama Mao best be prepared to fork up for my therapy bills.

And so that I can actually reduce her fears and anxiety attacks- should the need or occasion arise where Mama Mao must look like Crystal Carrington or Alexis Colby... I will be her Dynasty look alike GO-TO Girl. If we are going to go for the Falcon Crest look though- I think another book will be needed. As that style is a bit different.

Not only do I get lessons in colours but also for cables... this book is a TREASURE TROVE. And have I learned an important lesson thanks to Knitting in Style! I never knew knitting was so dangerous. But it is! If one is not careful with their knits... the sweater could eat the wearers head! Alive!

But in what is a fashion lesson that I will NEVER forget, this book has confirmed for me that wearing a kilt on your head is NOT a fashion FAUX PAS. It can be stylish too! THANK the good dead gods (for they are the only ones who would propose this pattern) for that. Maybe I can impress the Scotsmen with that look- I am sure they would be much more impressesd with that than a kilt worn normally with nothing on underneath! And I wouldn't be wind blown.

Should anyone for any reason ever try to deny that we were raised in Arizona, I can take them down... I now have a knit pattern to prove that the Aztecs made dresses too. And people are supposed to wear them. I mean it is the fashion to knit yourself a dress!

I think... in special terms this sweater with its FLAPPER style in silouhette- should be Mama Mao's birthday present. It will outline all her... best assets?? With that feminine touch. And nothing says HAPPY 60th!!! Quite like a sweater that makes you look like you are ready for the Munchkin/Oompa Loompa NFL Draft as a Linebacker :)

And for myself... I think that this is perfect. As the one who had her self cut open to bring me into the world Mama Mao knows my desires and needs better than myself (except for that asswiping shit- that ended with the diapers damnit!). Now thanks to Mama Mao, I can make myself a sweater that has a tree over my left boob. This goes very well with my Amazon construction. Cause after I cut off the right boob for my bow and arrow, I have been looking for ways to be able to emphasise the left one for when I go out on the pull to the bar.

In all fairness I will give you this following ONE that didnt make me want to hurl myself under a rock until the baby jesus stopped talking to me about how neon in the 80s was... SOOOO cool. I have also sent a letter to The Chairmama telling her that while I am ever so appreciative (and glad she could piss herself over the images above- her fault she didn't listen and get the tarp, there went her suede sofa!) She should not feel obliged to EVER order from that vendor again. Furthermore I gave her a list of Designers, Patterns and Yarns that were acceptable if she wanted to engage in more Ebay activity.

She responded by saying that she was astounded at my lack of compassion. I told her this was just one of the reasons that I go reeling around when someone tries to call me a compassionate conservative. I will also only tell her I love her again once she calls me a Pinkie Commie Bastard. She gets to have me in pink... so I think she should just suck it the fuck up. Furthermore... she has informed me that I have one more set of patterns on the way...

OH SWEET JESUS- she is trying to orchestrate a come to jesus moment. Only I am not religious, I will not be singing Halleluja and I am more likely to harangue the baby jesus about the atrocities against man kind.

Anyways... Hope this has entertained you as much as some of those patterns TERRIFIED me. And note that the first person who calls the 80s vintage or like in grad school shows me posters for "Early 90's" parties. They be getting bitchslapped like shiva with all arms wound up at once.

Posted by Stinkerbell at February 16, 2006 05:23 PM | TrackBack