June 20, 2006

Calling Ms. Crankypants: Come in Ms. Crankypants, COME IN

Oh yes never fear I am here… I am alive and mostly back. I mean I have a NO TINK ONLY YOU story to share so it has to be on its way back right?? Things aren't better with work, but life has had some nice pressies for me this month and I am a bit more me. No guarantees on regular blogging or knitting but hey you get me... I know some great consolation. But at least the spunky and spikey is back... because I have a memo Monday for you (don't get me started about how it isn't Monday... I am posting so be quiet :)

So without further ado since I really haven't been knitting (instead I now have a fancy pants camera... thanks to this special knit blogger bring it over for me- you can see my pictures at Flickr) here is one crankyass memo to all the fucktards of Piscine Courbevoie!

Dear all you fucktards that shouldn’t be allowed in a pool, as it makes me all spiteful and shit:

I would like you to know that I came here to relieve my stress. These shenanigans you have played today, TOTALLY deprived me of my MUCH NEEDED release. Thus the wrath that descendeth from me?? You brought it all on yourselves! I am not going to be polite, I don’t even know if I am going to be entertaining. I am just going to be EVER SO PISSED OFF (and considering some asshat HIT ME on the RER this morning I am batting one fucking thousand! If I shouted loud in the cattle car at him "DONT HIT ME, MEN SHOULDN'T HIT WOMEN..." I will so take your ass down too). And for the record I am not going to be repentant and I am not going to step down either. I am a bitch… I wear my badge with pride

First of all to the lifeguard who told me I couldn’t use my fins anymore … and then showed me the calendar from which I was supposed to know this. First of all that calendar was in the staff office on the OTHER SIDE OF THE POOL. I do not have a 50M divination rod and neither do you, despite your apparent need to prove you are a dick. We get it: you have a tinsy-tiny penis, you live in the land of speedos and you have a job that requires you to wear one. But when you decide to explain to me the days of the week, when I have asked not for the calendar but the rationale. Take your offended ass elsewhere, cause yeah I am going to stomp on your ass. I KNOW that today is MARDIand tomorrow is MERCREDI. DUMBFUCK I can recite the days of the week in 8 languages. I want you to explain why you let grandpa paddles attack the world but my less hurty fins are disavowed after 1:30.

And when you then inform me I know not what I am speaking of as I am not on staff…I would suggest you hold on to your divination rod as I smack your ass down. I am a swimmer, a certified swimming instructor, a certified masters swimming coach, a certified lifeguard and a certified instructor of lifeguards, not to mention certified instructor for first aid, CPR and other courses…(this is what I did in college to pay the bills along with being a physical trainer). All by the International Red Cross and I know you are not trying to insinuate, being that I have more certifications than yourself by the same organisation that certifies you, that I would not knoweth of what I speak.

It is evident you do not. Kids running along the tile- you could slip and crack your head open; 70+ children for “school swim lessons”and 3 instructors- none of whom get wet. Well that solves our "there are minimum international caliber French swimmers" curiosity; and then having a slide for the kids with many floatation devices attached (but not securely and a floaty belt- not a safety measure) go down these not secured slides backwards sideways and face front into other kids… YOU, YOU WILL NOT teach my children. Also when I fake drowned (Bouncing around- more due to height issues- but you NEVER KNOW)… you paid no attention. Therefore you will have to exempt me as my faith in you and your knows the days of the week ass have none of my confidance.

Next to the 30s men who swim in the lane next to me, especially you who was obviously once a swim team kid... It is extremely obvious you are swimming in such a workout manner as to try and check out all the women, and especially me as I do a butterfly set. We get it. You see our t-and-a and my bouncing ass. Why yes, I AM wearing a Speedo. But seriously... this is getting childish that whole swiming slow and looking down and around. And the whole splashy-splashy leading to flirty-flirty, that involves the chasey-chasey, is creepy-creepy making me swimmy-swimmy like there are sharky-sharkies after me. You are married! And I don't want to see that you have a hard on EVER AGAIN. So if you dont knock it off I am going to stare at your shrinky shrinky crotch in that frenchy-frenchy speedo and LAUGH... LOUDLY.

To Mr. Frog Legs: I swear to GOD. You who swim SLOW breast stroke with handpaddles and take up a WHOLE EFFING LANE with your arms and then legs which are splayed better than any hooker Heidi Fliess ever hired out... When I am stuck behind you I can't help but think that two people ought to grab you by the ankles and shout WISHBONE. Only we don't want none of them giblets. And please for the love of all that is holy... Just STOP kicking me in the head.

To Miss I am Japanese if you please, I am Japanese if you don’t please: I am going to give you a tip. When trying to pass someone, always adhere to the following rule- if you are not going faster than the person you are trying to pass… and other people are coming your way (seems the concept of circle swimming don’t go like that here). DO NOT TRY TO PASS. You swimming freestyle with hips swaying too and fro does not give you right of way over my breast stroke kicking self, especially not when you eat my waves.

Whether you look at me or not, eye contact does not mean I will back down. I was raised in the environement where letting someone pass meant more workout- so I’ll be DAMNED if your slower ass is going by me, even if I am out of shape. Watch all mighty while I whomp your ass with my wave. I will also refuse to cede way and I will beat you to the wall by a hair and push off too. Good thing you are submissive or smart. I’ll let you choose cause either way you got out of my lane (that I was sharing with 7 other people) and for that I will thank you by letting you live.

To Jimmy Jackass: Yes you, who thought you was all that and sucker thumped me in the stomach twice, and hit me in the face with your big ass scuba fins shoving water up my nose, but couldn’t be bothered to say anything resembling SORRY… Don’t be surprised as the third time round I will grab your leg and whack you down one and then over take your ass with my butterfly. Your flip turns don’t scare me boy, I can make more splash than you, just watch.

Really, you should have known better than to start a game of Asshat Begat Asshat. I know how to play that game, I am have been annointed the Queen Asshat on more than one occasion. I will step up and out play you one, just because I am spitefull like that. And I play asshat begat asshat by swim team rules. The rules about swim team is 1. Don’t fuck with us little ones- we got picked on enough by the big guys to know how to fight back. Serious one of my exs swam at two sets of summer Olympics and has medals that are shiny. He was 6ft6+ and he knows that if he pulled shit I would leverage all 100 lbs of (then) myself to WHOMP HIM in the water. I know the physics properties and I am not afraid to use them. And 2. There are no rules WUSSIES… (serious never play swim team sharks and minnows… it be FIERCE).

To Grandpa Paddle: We have already talked about this habit you have of thinking that you aren't responsible to be courteous to the rest of us in the pool who you traul and maul over. Don’t look all surprised when after trying to swim over me for the second time in this workout and second time in two weeks that I decide back stroke is a good idea to roll right over your fucking ass. OOPS did I do that??? *Erkel Snort*

Gros Bisous,

For the record: No me and my ever so hostile ass didn’t get kicked out of the pool… I scared them too much and they dont really pay attention. That and I earned the respect due from the twats swimming around me. The moral of the story: DO NOT GET BETWEEN THIS GIRL AND HER SWIM. Oh yeah and leave me the fuck alone so I can go back to grinning about my weekend and proclaim my love for my camera!

Oh yeah and just so you know the good points (besides my camera which I am in love with)… being pissed does make one swim more, not wanting to get stuck behind Ms. Japanese and not wanting to talk to her, does make you not take breaks. And being 152cm in a pool that has a minimum depth of 165 does mean that you have to bounce underwater. When you do that you see the pretty tones of blue and waves and remind yourself that this… is what it is all about as you are a waterbaby. And then you remind yourself NOT TO BREATHE, and then ride the glide off the wall as you smoke those suckers trying to glimpse at your ass... AGAIN.

Posted by Stinkerbell at 04:08 PM | Comments (11) | TrackBack