May 23, 2006

Static On The Radio

Sorry to those of you who have read any of my gibberish, and especially those of you who have taken the time to comment or email me. I really really do appreciate it. You are all so much sweeter than I am :) Unfortunately I am cracking at the foundations here and not in a good way, there is no more denying reality- my spirit is breaking. When you have to stick a pen in your leg so that you can change your focus so that you won't cry, that is a telltale sign that you can't hide your feelings through resignation anymore.

Life bubbles up when you try to push it down. And things got appreciably worse today, ironically over something that should have been nothing. I can't handle the knitting let alone the blogging when I can't see through my tears of rage and frustration, tears that are starting to pop up when I least expect them. I am a walking time bomb and the term short fuse is much more than an understatement. More importantly, there is no more self-deprecating or otherwise humour. That my friends is a sign of the fourth horseman swinging the apocalypse my way. I am depleted of everything except that never-ending reserve of salt water tears and a good dose of toxic matter that is putrifying inside me. And I have to sit with this eating me alive until I can get my balls together to find a way out, a way that will stop me from spitting venom. I can't expect anyone to heave my ass around when it is this weighted down.

I would try to do the "talk/write it out" method, but I have never been one of those people for whom letting it out reduces my stewing levels. When I am panicking yes, when I am buried in the dark- not so much. It just cycles it and I have had enough of watching it swirl around me with the darkness that has accompanied it. So me myself and I are going to sit this out on our lonesome until we can change the tides.

And I really don't want to submit those of you who stop by to my bipolar fury and depression. You haven't done anything to deserve it. No one has actually, except maybe me for tolerating this shit and well not wanting to admit reality. But I can't hide it or make it funny anymore. When my loud voice (those who have met me can tell you about my cheerleader range...) is silenced, and I can't laugh or make the worst of cracks about it... all that is left is a dark path that I have to walk through and pray there is light at the other end of the tunnel.

So things may remain quiet while I try to find the way up from down and step away from the weak and weariness that is tearing me to bits. I am on email, I hope to be commenting a bit, I should be on Flickr (all but the rare few of my 150+ Sicily photos have been uploaded and are live for your perusal), and once the tears stop flowing and burning a hole through me... if I am not drowned under the torential sea that my tears create around me, I hope to be typing again and putting my bits back together.

Until then wishing you all smiles and I'll talk to those who are interested on the underside.

Posted by Stinkerbell at May 23, 2006 10:42 PM | TrackBack

Take the time you need, take care of yourself. We'll be here to read whatever you want to post whenever you're ready to post again.

Sounds like you're walking through the shit right now. I'll be thinking of you.

Posted by: cari at May 23, 2006 11:27 PM

Sweetie! Take care of yourself and remember to lean on those who want to help!

Posted by: Rebecca at May 24, 2006 12:00 AM

Take good care of yourself. Try not to be so down on yourself. Give yourself a break.


Posted by: Emma at May 24, 2006 12:03 AM

Ugh. I'm so sorry it's gotten so bad. The dark side always seems so freaking dark when you're there. Do what you need to do to get out of it.

I'm always so fascinated and horrified at the same time at how powerful and scary our minds are - it's sucks though, to learn that lesson.

I'm here if you need an ear. L, C

Posted by: Cara at May 24, 2006 12:39 AM

i'm sorry you are feeling so bad! take care of yourself, my dear.


Posted by: kris at May 24, 2006 09:12 AM

Virtual hugs to you - remember we care about you :) Take good care.

Posted by: Terry at May 24, 2006 01:30 PM

I sincerely hope that you do put the pieces back together again. Take care of yourself. You don't need to reply to this comment, just know that you are being thought of, and that my thoughts (like many others here) are that you will find what you need to pull it all together again. Blessings to you.

Posted by: Gina at May 24, 2006 04:24 PM

Hang in there, Tink. You have a lot of friends rooting for you, who will welcome you back with (virtual) hugs when you pull through. (And if you need ANYTHING, let me know!)

Posted by: Ann at May 24, 2006 05:33 PM

When you have the time and inclination, drop me a line and let me know what's going on. Okay? Okay.

Posted by: Chris at May 24, 2006 05:46 PM

Hey - I've recently been through some of the bipolar and depression wading myself so can empathise. Strength comes from within as well as around... and your blogsphere is your "around" as well.

Posted by: Me at May 25, 2006 04:46 AM

*huggles* I find hiding in bed, holding the cushiest teddy bear you can find, eating dark chocolate truffles (or anything you can find dark chocolately and yummy) helps. and anything alive and fuzzy to snuggle too. I'd be lost without the boys (cat and dog). love ya hon, wish I had more to offer. The Schmendrick offers his cuddles too. (he's laying on my hand as I type, I'll try to send pics)

Posted by: Angelle at May 27, 2006 03:30 PM

I know just the thing to sort you out...

Posted by: doobyus at May 29, 2006 11:54 AM

I'm thinking of you- know that we're here when you need us.

Posted by: Cathi at May 29, 2006 03:55 PM

*hugs* to you. Maybe I'll hop on a plane to Paris and we can have a good sob together. With nice soft tissues. ~x~

Posted by: Jane in London at May 31, 2006 02:32 PM

I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew you well. I wish I lived down the street. I'm thinking of you. See those positive thoughts and a fond embrace flying your direction? :)

Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving the sweet comment. I told Lila she drools too much. heh

Posted by: Laura at June 1, 2006 04:23 PM

I'm sad that you haven't been sucked back out of it... and wish there was something I could do to help. perhaps I could send you my 3 year year old for a day, she is hilarious and gives really good cuddles. You really have a knack for the writing, I feel like I can tell exactly how you are feeling and it's a crappy, unfair place to be. maybe something amazing will happen tomorrow...

Posted by: sarah at June 5, 2006 06:57 AM